Sunday, November 23, 2014

Raw

Today was not what I expected. But life is busy happening while one tries to plan it. 

Watching ones parent completely break down after having a great bonding time prior too is about a mind blowing as one can get. My mother attended my first horse lesson with me today, I then encouraged her to hop on my horse and led her around. Near the end of the lesson my mother missed a phone call. One I wish would never had to happen...or at least not right now. When does one ever want to receive a phone call from a stranger at a hospital saying your father passed away. I was in my car with her at the horse farm as she called back the number, the utter grief and raw human reaction and emotion is something that hit me in a way I felt I was looking through a telescope at someone else's life. But so in the moment of the different feelings that occurred ...time rushed...time froze. My hand covered my mouth and my heart broke. Watching my mother feel such intense pain was almost just as much if not more the root of my grief, than the actual passing of my grandfather.

Today I lost a grandparent. Someone my mother, and the rest of the family, struggled to keep up consistent communication with. My grandfather was never one who was great with showing his emotions or that he cared-even though deep down I just know he did. When he passed away today, I felt much more than just a physical loss for myself. I felt a loss for my mother. For someone who just couldn't be what one would expect of a parent and the fact my mother never gave up trying to be in his life. In no way was my grandfather a bad person, and his memory is respected. Sometimes loss is in many forms, today it was certainly that.

This is the first major passing in my life time for me. Its hard for me to process and I'm not sure what to think-I just keep replaying how everything happened in my head like a horrible movie that isn't really my life. I've never been to a funeral before. I'm 27. Now my family and I will be spending Thanksgiving flying down south. My heart breaks. My grandmothers birthday is Thursday.

As my mother cried how the hospital said he was fine a few days ago, that she only got to talk to him briefly because he had been on oxygen, how life is not fair... hours passed, it felt like weeks. She went from distraught, to angry, to washing my dishes (shock) all within the span of ten minutes. The human brain processing such heavy information is so volatile. I'm reminded that no matter how hard a relationship is with a parent, if it's worth it, keep trying. They will know you care. They will feel what we all strive to feel from others in life. Love. Happiness. Shared memories. Smiles. Laughter. Not everyone is going to be who you want them to be, but be who you should be. You can be the change, the difference, a piece of happiness and comfort.

To the memory of my grandfather, you may have not been conventional, you may not have been who my mother wished you could be all her life, but you were you. You were loved and cared for despite your faults, as we all have those. I hope you know that. I hope to see you again someday, if that is possible. You are no longer in pain and for that I can find a small shred of comfort.

PS: Thank you to those who have expressed condolence and support. It truly means a lot. Everyone here means so much to me and the overwhelming love and help offered is so touching. Thank you to those who've asked how to help with flight/hotel costs for the funeral etc. The best way would just be through clips4sale/iwantclips tributes-feel free to leave a note. Any extra funds will be sent to my grandmother to help her with costs.

Here are the links: 
Vikki Clips4sale: http://clips4sale.com/75307
Brookes Clips4Sale: http://clips4sale.com/store/55685
Vikki iWantClips: https://iwantclips.com/store/2616
Brooke iwantClips: https://iwantclips.com/store/1942

Thank you again, much love to you all.

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